Trust. Trust in a God who does not change. In a God who is not circumstantial. A God who sees ahead. A God who places trials in our lives to grow us. I'm a guy, and I'm a fixer. I want things right. And I want to do it, and to DO it right, immediately. It's never been easy for me to simply trust. And obviously, the Lord knew that and decided that it was time to break me of myself. To break down my perfectionism. To tear me apart and humble me to my core. To show me that He was greater. That He was worthy of ALL of myself: not just words and phrases, not small pieces of my time, but my entire being. And that includes all of me- spiritually, emotionally psychologically, etc. That my purpose on this earth was to believe all that He says I am, to believe WHO my Savior and Father truly is, and how the glorification of Him and trust in Him is all that truly matters.
Last summer, I had the incredible opportunity to live in Africa for two months. It was literally the best experience of my life. Simple pleasures of crooked smiles, battered soccer balls, children singing, red dirt roads, and awesome Christian mentors were part of my everyday life. Nonetheless, I watched everyday as my friends entered a slum of hopelessness, as men, women, and children searched trash heaps for food, as malaria, HIV, and parasites plagued my town. My heart was constantly between joy, sorrow, and unrequited love for this people. There were incredible times of laughter and play, and there were times when I felt helpless, when I felt lonely, when I was sick. I was in a world where people were hopeless. There was only one place to turn- to my Creator, one who could protect me, who could be all that I needed, that could give me the strength and the courage to carry on. It was during those moments of struggle that I began to learn that it was not "trust and a little bit of pixie dust," but that it was a holding onto a rope for dear life kind of trust, one that I had never experienced before, but one that would become all too familiar.
I returned back to Mississippi College for my junior year, one that was to be my best and hardest one yet. Fall semester brought another set of challenges that would test my faith. From the hardest class I've ever experienced, to health and job scares back home, it seemed as if the barrage would never end. I would work as hard as I could to see dismal results in class. There were moments when I doubted why I had ever gone down the path to med school in the first place. But in moments of quiet simplicity, late night walks to the intramural fields to clear my head, and countless hours of insane studying, my Jesus was right there. And like I child, all I could do was to run to his arms. To trust that He would be there. To give HIM control of school and life. Moments of doubt became moments of surrender. Moments of anxiety turned to moments of complete faith in One who time and time again proved himself faithful.
Thirty minutes before I took my last final of the semester, I was sitting in a dorm room with one of my best friends when we received word that one of our best friends had been in a car wreck and was being airlifted to a hospital. The next 27 days were some of the hardest I've ever experienced. I cannot describe what it was like to wake up every morning and anxiously check my phone for updates. This was one of the most humbling times of my life. I had never faced a trial like this before. There were times when I simply did not understand. Then, slowly, came the simple trust. That the Lord was in control of it ALL. Why? Because I had nowhere else to turn. I was at the core of my being, drowning in fear. But my God was there. Not just the mountains but the deepest valleys, and as always, with arms open wide. On January 13, Sean Gauley was taken home to glory. That night we gathered as a community of believers and grieved together, laughed together, and celebrated a God who is GOOD when all good seems so far away. Over the next few weeks, I watched the Lord begin to transform my friends' lives, as He had done mine. Trust- when everything seems great, and trust when there is nowhere else to turn. The Lord had changed this wandering doubter into someone who could believe in a GOOD, faithful God.
In late February, I was given to opportunity go to Dubai- but one problem: I had to decide by the next morning. Many phone calls to my parents, conversations with dear friends, and prayers later (all in the span of about six hours), it was time to make a decision. I didn't know where the money was to come from or any logistics whatsoever, but I did know what all my prior experience had taught me- to trust in a God who was so much greater and was absolutely sovereign over it all. So the Lord took me to share His Word with men of Central Asia, and it was absolutely beautiful.
So fast forward to recent days. Life has sped up this summer, and time after time, I have had huge decisions to make in regards to applying for med school. Decisions that could literally decide a lot of the rest of my life. No pressure, right? Wrong. Agonizing over schools, test dates, possibilities of changing residencies: it seemed like it would never end. But in every decision, I have been able to be calm in the midst of raging storms and adversity from all sides. Why? Because I have a God who has taken my heart, carved out the old, and renovated with the new. I have been changed through times of indescribable trials and moments of inexpressible joy. I have been given the ability to throw away my fixer mentality and focus on simple trust.
So what about you? Will you allow God to renovate your heart? To possibly bring you to your core, if that's what it takes? Because He will. And what comes later is simply beautiful. A trust in a God who never changes, and no matter what you face, is there to take you through. Believe in this God. Trust this God. Follow His Will. Surrender to all He has for you. Live your life to the glorification of all that He is: A mighty fortress, a loving Father, and a faithful friend. And you will look back and see that those momentary trials were meaningless compared to the all-surpassing glory of this great God. This is my heart. This is who I am. A wrecked soul who has been taken out of the mire and clay and set on a rock. A soul that God has chosen to use to proclaim His Gospel: that Christ died, rose again, and is coming back. This is my mission. Will you join me?
-Sam
Phil 2:1-11
**Dedicated to Sean Aaron Gauley...."And the Word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time" -Jonah 3:1**
